"There I was on death row, Guilty in the first degree, Son of God hanging on a hill, Hell was my destiny." Red Letters by Crowder

http://truthbehindtheword.blogspot.com/2018/04/daily-devotional-492018-spirthday.html

It has been a while since I have posted, since January to be exact. There has been a lot going on, both in the present and physical world but also behind the scene in the spiritual realms. I have been so busy with baseball and finishing my college career. I am so busy with making sure I have a successful senior season on and off the baseball, and maybe that is why I have been battling and struggling in my spiritual life. I have been battling physical and mental fatigue, I have been struggling to find time and motivation to do much at all. I have spent so much time just laying in my bed and just playing video games or just mingling with the gods of social media. More than anything I have been struggling to find time.

• Meanwhile even though I have been struggling to find time I have been taking notes and studying. I have been coming up with numerous ideas of where I want to go and what I want to write and do. Summer 2019 and Fall of 2019, Lord willing, is going to be insane.

• I have been struggling so hard mentally, but I am learning and kicking.

Testify

tes·ti·fy /ˈtestəˌfī/

to be the proof or evidence that something exists

Every week (except for the 7th week), there is a Christian artist J. Monty releases a "Testify" video. This is has been very impactful and something that I looked forward to every Tuesday (ironic?). God has given me a voice and has given a platform to testify. Who am I not to use it?

• Everyone shares the good, but they rarely share the bad. Today I am going to show you everything, the good and the bad. If we only share and talk about the good, how can anyone grow?

Today, 2 years ago today I accepted Jesus into my life. This is was the greatest decision of my life. Here is a revised version of my testimony. I title it after an album that just released and was a huge motivator for me recently, Once In A Dry Season.

My Testimony (Chapter 2 - Once In A Dry Season):            

Before I accepted Christ into my life, there was so many different mental issues that I battled on a daily basis. I dealt with constant depression and anxiety, meanwhile I tried everything to find an identity. Through not having the right state of mind and trying to find who Chris Colotti is, I battled suicidal thoughts. There was not a day that I did not want or think about killing myself. Growing up I spent a lot of time being by myself. I was that kid that walked down the hallways alone with my headphones in, avoiding eye contact. I was not a popular kid by any means, but I was not someone that slipped away from the popular scene, people knew who I was, and I knew who people were; I just rarely, if at all, did not associate myself with them outside of school. I played baseball my entire life, this is where I found most of my identity, this is how people knew who I was. In high school, there was four of Colottis around the same age, two of my cousins, my sister, and myself. We all played sports and we were all good and known for our sports, from soccer to football to basketball to baseball and softball, we played it all. Meanwhile, when I was trying to find my own identity outside of my last name and my sport I was constantly being rejected and outcasted. I was bullied starting at a young age, but also, I was a bully. Before Christ, I battled so many different emotional battles which led me trying to find control. Where I found control in what I did, was in my addiction to porn. I could never get a girl to like me the same way I liked them, never less get them to be my girlfriend; so, I fell for the digital pleasure of pornography. Growing up I did not have much of a spiritual stability. I grew up physically going to church, but I was never mentally there. It was the same when I went to CCD, I was always talking, did other homework, and always got in trouble. I knew of God, but I did not know God. I knew he was there, but I did not know him personally. I wore the cross and I would give the sign of the cross after hitting a home run, but it was all fake. I did not live for Jesus.

My journey all started my freshman year of college, I went to Dominican College to play baseball. However, God had a different plan. Even though the coaches convinced and told my dad and I that I would be on the baseball team, when it came to the end of the tryouts my name was not on the roster. I was devasted, I did not know what to do. Baseball was my life; it was my god. All I wanted to do was play baseball, it was something I dedicated my entire life to it. Before the list was posted, I was in the shower and prayed the typical “if you do this, I will go to church, and I will be good” prayers (which God showed me that it was in his time). As soon as I saw the list my heart sunk and fell to my toes, I bursted into tears and called my parents. I called them apologizing, thinking that I failed them. After collecting my composer, I immediately started to search for new colleges, I mass emailed coaches, updated my recruiting profile, talked to coaches left and right, and eventually went on a handful of visits. When it came down to it, it was down to two colleges. It was between a D3 school in Iowa, who told me I would be the starting first basemen and hitting in the middle of a lineup as a freshman and my current college (Nyack College) who told me that I would be on the team, but had to work for my spot. After several “prayers” and visiting my grandpa’s grave, I chose Nyack College. I chose Nyack College due to the fact that I love the challenge of having to earn my spot, it was close to home (not 18 hours away) but far enough away that I was not home, and it was a Christian college. I wanted to get to know God more, and I did it for more my grandma and grandpa. Therefore, I was looking forward to the religious classes that they offered. During my first semester there, we had team Bible Studies; which I went to every single one. One of the first classes I took was Old Testament, which is where I ended getting my first Bible. Before entering college, if you told me I would own a Bible I would laugh in your face. Once I got it, I read all the time. I should have been studying and do homework, but I do my best stuff when I am supposed to be doing school work - i.e. learned how to solve the Rubik's cube my first ever finals week, but hey still got straight A's.  At first, I would only read the Old Testament, since that is what I had to read for class. I was so intrigued by the devotionals I had to read and write each week, and all the essays I had to write for the class. That winter break I read the entire Old Testament, I sketched out time to read every day. I had friends from back home who wanted to hang out all the time, but I had told that I didn't have a lot of time to hang and talk since I was always reading the Bible; they were so confused and asked if I was serious (they seriously thought I was joking). Once I got back to school, I started to read the New Testament. When I was down in Florida for the Spring Break trip, I was constantly in the lobby reading. One of the days, a current brother in Christ of mine and now one of my best friends in the entire world, Gabe asked me if I wanted to study the Bible with him. At the moment, I didn't know that this was the moment that would change my life. We studied every day of the break. At the time, four of my teammates had been baptized. I thought I was good, since I was already baptized when I was a baby (shoutout to them Catholic traditions). However, when I read the Bible, I learned that I had to repent and chose to be baptized, man was I convicted. It was as if a rug was just ripped out from underneath me. I knew something had to change. I knew something had to change specially after I studied and talked about sin with Gabe. Jesus gave up his life for us. He went through so much pain, agony, and turmoil for us. My life was filled with sin, but Jesus died for me in order to have my sins forgiven and in order for me to have an eternal life in heaven. I was saved by the Red Letters. After several more studies and talking with elders in the church and the pastor of the church, on April 9, 2017, I was DUNKED.

We are now on year two of my life with Christ. This is crazy to think about. Jesus has changed my life dramatically, the way I look at things, the way I look at people, and how I deal with things. Jesus has given me a way to deal with my depression and anxiety, I have been able to cast it on him and I have been able to rely on him for all my problems. Since accepting Jesus into my life, I have been overall a lot happier of a person. I am able to look at women a lot differently; I have a newfound greater respect for them. I now see them as more than just women, but daughters of God. Even in a whole, I have been able to look at people differently, I have a newfound respect for everyone; I am able to see Jesus in everyone I see.

The first year of having Jesus was full of fruit. I witnessed so many other people accept Christ into their life. I was so consistent with my studies. I not only was doing personal Bible Studies; I was studying with numerous people. I was studying with teammates of mine; I was studying with people that I usually would not associate myself with before. I was full of fire. I was constantly in the Bible, learning and studying. There were times where my human side got in the driver seat, but I was able to bounce back quickly. I was constantly posting on social media, the verse of the day and more. I had a solid prayer life; I was always praying and in conversation with my Father. I created my own Bible-based blog (Truth Behind the Word). I was constantly posting in it; I was consistently posting and writing. Life was good.

The second year, I hit the sophomore slump. I started off good but ended in a drought I hate myself for even getting myself into. The summer was great, I was studying with one of my teammates from my summer team, I was spreading and living out the gospel on the team and at work. I had an extremely successful summer baseball season. During the summer I also went to my first ever Church conference where I met so many different brothers and sisters in Christ, all around my age; couple thousand of us to be exact. It was an experience of a lifetime, something I constantly wish I could go back to. The fire was real after that, I had so much planned after personally, spiritually, and with the Church. I planned on baptizing the world and studying with the world, but that didn’t go as planned. My life, spiritual or not, was extremely up and down up until 2019, where it went extremely downhill from there (which was crazy, since I thought 2018 was a bad year for me). My prayer life started to dwindle, I was overloaded with school work, baseball, and work. Finding time for God was getting harder and harder; until at times it was nonexistent. I treated God as just an afterthought and I would only go to him if I needed help or if I was struggling. I ended up getting a leadership role halfway through the semester and being able to lead Bible Talks, I was blessed and beyond grateful; but I didn’t hold to the standards because of the sin I got myself into. In 2019, in the span of 2 days I got fired from my job, lost my uncle, and had to step down from leading Bible Talks. In December there was an incident at work that caused me to get in trouble which led to my termination. Two days after receiving that phone call I had a meeting with my pastor, where he learned about my sin and asked me to step down from leading Bible Talks. That same day, a couple hours later I got a phone call from my father telling me that my uncle had passed away. Since then I have been in and out of dealing with depression, anxiety, and temptations and struggles of a life that I put on the cross. I was falling on a daily basis, getting back up, but with one leg and falling back down. I was not standing on two legs thinking I can handle it, but I could not. I was running away from God and my responsibilities as a Christian because I didn’t know what to do and how to deal with it. I have been struggling with my baseball coach, who verbally abuses me and demeans me on an almost daily basis. Instead of running to God in these moments, I tied relying on myself and tried to find control in the world. I have not been having a great season overall and it is not helping me. I have been exhausted both physically, emotionally, and mentally from everything that is going on in my life as of recent; at times finding it hard to get out of bed to do anything. My biggest problem is that I tried to do it on my own, I tried picking myself up with no help from people in my life and I tried doing it without God.

This is where I come to you now. 2 years old, and 2 years wiser. I know I can’t this on my own and I had to learn the hard way. I am constantly in the Word and trying my best to live out the Word and what it is says. I am young and stupid when it comes to making mistakes. Yet, these mistakes are only scars, scars to which remind me where, when, and why I fell. They help me tell a story of what to do and what not to do. They helped save me and I pray that they help me save others. I am working on continually creating and thinking devotionals, Bible Talks, and pieces that will not only bring people to Christ, but for those who have him in their life to look at him a different way. I have been studying out the Body of Armour, I plan on releasing two different essays, several devotionals, and art pieces this year. I pray that this next chapter will be better and full of fruit and fire, and that I will learn from my mistakes. I pray that God puts the right people in my life and takes away those that are harmful to me. Whether I am able and suppose to baptize at least one person, or not; I pray my demeanor, my love and my life is able to impact people I encounter on a daily basis. I am no way perfect in any form, and I never will. Jesus died on the cross in order for my sins to be forgiven, and it is only right to keep moving forward and learn from my mistakes. This is my second chapter; this is my second cry. God is a God of second chances and grace; I pray that I run to him and not away. I pray that I remember that in the times of trouble that God is there with me. Lord pick me up. Chapter 2: Once In A Dry Season.

Life is full of struggles. There is going to be ups and downs. We are all human, we are bound and destined to fail. It does not matter how many times you fall because everyone falls. It is all about the amount of times that you get up.

2 Peter 1:3-8 says, "For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."

• The only way that we can persevere is to struggle.

By the end of 2019, I plan on releasing numerous Spoken Words and essays (Promised Land, Once In A Dry Season, Scars, and more…).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1ohrZaZfTI

#LetsBeAMovement